The "Ladies" Club....
"Life after Divorce is Eventually Sane"
The reason for this title is a simple one...I honestly thought that I was going to lose my mind while I was going through my divorce!...
I wanted to start this series of Blogs to try and help woman like you, who feel that they have no-one to relate and nowhere to go to get advice from someone who has walked the path your taking or about to take. Believe me I have done weeks of research on blogs and websites for "woman" like us, but here's what I discovered...as good as they are no-one is doing it in this format. Most people are talking about what to do when your Divorced...which is great...but what do you long before the "D" word is mentioned, what do you do if your husband leaves you? What happens in the months prior to you actually being divorced...that's the reason for this blog, I have been there, walked that road, and been in your shoes...
My experience may not have all the answers for you, but I am convinced that I can help you in some way...even if you just need a crutch!
I want you to have a safe environment to come to.
I want you to share your experience, your thoughts, your frustrations, a problem shared is a problem halved.
I want you to read the stories of other woman who are going through the same things as you are.
I want you to feel "normal" (whatever the hell that is) and to know that you’re not losing your mind.
I want you to be laugh and cry, with me, with other woman.
I want you to understand that it's ok to be selfish right now, and that the sky won't fall in if you take time for yourself.
I want you to understand that while your been pulled in a hundred different directions that it’s ok to stumble and fall.
I want you to know that you don't have to "hold it all together" for the sake of the children or anyone else.
I want you to know that you don't have to wear your knickers outside your trousers and be "superwoman"...it's ok to be scared...this is a process, there is no quick fix, there are no simple solutions, believe me I've looked for them all, they don't exist.
I don't want to start a movement, but I do want you to have something that I didn't have...and that's a place of understanding, a place of truth and raw, gut wrenching honesty, a place to be yourself without judgment and a place of total acceptance, no matter who, where, what or why
Divorce doesn't care about the color of your skin, or how fat or thin you are, or what job you have, or if you’re rich or poor, but what I know for sure is that it will tear your heart out and leave you for dead. You and only you can change that, but with a little help it might just be a little easier.
Here's a little insight, and I mean little about my story and why I feel so compelled to share it with you...and what qualifies me to do this.
For me, the anguish of "Divorce" started long before the divorce was ever finalized...in fact 2 years before. I was 35yrs old with two small children, a stay at home Mum. I ran a small Bed and Breakfast Business and my husband had a good job.
We had our ups and downs like any marriage...but nothing in the world could have prepared me for what was about to happen.
After an affair he left me for her.
Him leaving was like a death, only I didn't have a funeral to go to, but I was mourning, mourning the loss of the man, mourning the loss of love, mourning "the life" I no longer had, mourning with overwhelming grief, but he wasn't dead, I was, well I was inside.
That's how it felt at the time, those feelings and emotions were very real for me and I had a process to go through, although I had no idea at the time what that meant, and I'm not sure that I even cared then.
I had no idea that it would take me a full year of mourning before the pain of Birthdays, Anniversaries, Christmas, and New Year special days on the calendar would start to ease. Facing those on my own was about as unbearable as it gets and I was ill prepared to handle them.
I had no idea that simple things like the smell of his aftershave or a left behind pair of socks would have me crying like a baby.
That's why I say it's like the living dead...it's you that's left to deal with all of this, it's you that's been thrown into a world of hell without your consent, this isn't your choice, it's his...but he's moved on and you can't...so what do you do?
Having my world turned upside down, everything I knew had been ripped from my life...life as I knew it changed, and I did’t have a say! I didn't have a voice! There was no discussion, no warning, it was over for him...and I was left to pick up the pieces...all of them!
The day he left...I watched in silenced as if my tongue had been cut out of my head...I watched in silence while tears were blinding me...I watched in silence as he packed his bags...I watched in silence as he passed me in the hallway as if I were a stranger...I watched in silence as he calmly walked out, closing the door behind him...I fell to my knees, screaming in pain..But there was no sound...my life as I knew it was over and I wanted to die at that moment...
But I didn't...I got through it (eventually) and I'm ready to share my story and experience with you.
I hope that this will help you in some small way, give you hope that your life is not over, that you will move on and move on a better, stronger woman than you would ever have believed possible...trust me!
In my opinion, facing and going through a divorce is one of the most traumatic experiences you will ever face in your life, but you do not have to face it alone. Talking to friends and family is good...but unless they have been there done that, with the best intention in the world, they have no clue what it's like for you...that's why I feel this blog is so important.
I want to talk about what happens to a woman while going through a Divorce? These are just a few of the feelings that I experienced, and topics that I will be covering over the next few weeks.
I wonder if you relate to any or all of them.?
The Emotional Roller coaster...one minute your fine, the next you’re a basket case!
The Sadness...Missing your life.
The Grief/Sense of Loss...equating to a death
Feeling Isolated...Life goes on for everyone around you.
Loneliness...Missing being part of a couple.
Feeling Unworthy..."was it me" syndrome
The Anger...Love turning to hate?
How do I start to Heal?
What about the children?
How do you handle visitation.
What about paying the bills/mortgage etc?
Do you even have access to all those things? I didn't
What about joint bank accounts?
What about the other woman if there is one?
To be honest there are so many topics to cover it gets beyond funny, today I just want to give you a clear picture of the reality of the situation. Here's the truth...its Hell...but it gets better. You will find resilience that you had no idea existed within you, and I am here to help.
I would love and appreciate your feedback and to know if you would like to hear more?
Love Pauline x
